Why do you insist on hurting me? Why can't you just be happy that I've found someone who loves me? Someone who cherishes me the way you weren't? Why can't you swallow your pride, lift your chin, and just be proud that I'm not listening to everyone else's opinions and that I'm living my life for me?

You always told me, growing up, to ignore what other people said to and about me. That if they didn't have anything nice to say about me, they shouldn't be talking. And now, you're the one I have to ignore. Your voice is the one I have to drown out.

But, truthfully, your mother's voice is one that doesn't just speak to your ears. Your mother's voice carries right to your heart. You can't turn off the hearing in your heart. It hears all the things that are said and most of the ones that aren't. It pays attention to facial expressions and changes in tone. It's sensitive to all the nuances of pronunciation and intonation. And my heart hears everything you say…and everything you don't.

You don't have to tell me you hate me…your voice does it for you. You don't have to tell me about the shame you feel when someone asks about your daughter, Emily…your face says it all. You don't have to articulate how disappointed and embarrassed you are that you have a gay daughter…the words you don't speak are loud and clear to my heart.

There's an old saying, "Actions speak louder than words." When you don't come to my wedding…I'll hear you. And if you do come, my heart will know you're there just because you don't want everyone else to talk about how you weren't there. And that the whole time you're here, you'll be praying that no one else sees you.

And you won't cry when I walk down the aisle because you're happy…you'll cry because I'm not walking towards a man. Or perhaps you won't cry at all. The reason won't matter…your tears won't be for the positive changes in my life. They will be the result of your negative attitude and closed mind.

And I'll say it doesn't matter. And I'll pretend it doesn't hurt. And I'll tell you, when you call and say you're not coming, that it's fine and I understand. But really, my heart says for me the things my mouth can't. My heart will break. And it will ache. And it will scream, "Why can't you just fucking love me?" And I'll cry. And I'll wonder what I did wrong. And that little raw spot in my being that you love rubbing against will again be sore and sting.

When I walk down the aisle, I'll cry, too. And most of those tears will be from happiness. But some of them will originate in the place where you've hurt me the most…my soul. The absence of your acceptance is harder to handle than you think. And on the most important day of my life to this point…..my wedding day…..the absence of your love will almost kill the joy of my special day.

Sure, I'll tell people that I'm fine with it. I'll defiantly tell them that I'd rather not have you there if you can't be totally happy for me. And that it doesn't matter if you're there or not, I'll be happy regardless. And I'll smile as I say it. And I'll laugh and joke and giggle. And I'll look good in pictures. And I'll dance, and sing, and we'll have a wonderful day…without you. But somewhere deep down…where no one else can go….where no one else can see….my spirit will wonder exactly what I've done to earn your disgust. What, in my essence or nature or character, is so wrong that I've managed to lose significance in your life. "Why," it will ask, "cant they just love me?"

Since the day I came out to you, September 13, 1999, I haven't had an answer. And on my big day, I won't get one, either. And I'll say today, on that day, and for the rest of my life that it doesn't matter what you think of me….

But it does. And it always will.

Popularity: 1% [?]